So you want to build a computer? Well I’ve got good news! Building a computer for yourself is easy, anyone can do it. Why don’t I just buy one from a store you say? Just buy a Mac if that’s the case you lazy bum! Or you can follow these easy steps to computer building success:
Step 1: Find the manuals
Do you have them all? Good, now burn them, in a 50 gallon drum if possible. They’re written in so many languages none of them are ever useful. Besides you don’t really need a manual to know where your memory goes, it goes in the slot shaped like your memory. Remember these skills from kindergarten? Good.
Step 2: Seat your memory
Find the ram shaped holes, just make sure the speed ram you got (PC-6400 800mhz?) is supported by your motherboard. This information would have been in the manual you just incinerated to warm a hobo, but frankly if you failed to do this before you spent hundreds of dollars you probably should go buy a mac. If it is right: proceed to step 3.
Step 3: Attach your processor with great care
Screwing this step up is expensive. If that doesn’t scare you then lift up the little shiny handle next to your processor slot, drop the little bugger in and put the plunger down. Wave goodbye while you’re at it, you’ll never see your processor again. The heatsink that came with your processor should have some thermal paste on it, slap it on and ratchet the plastic lever to seat the heatsink. Sidenote: in the old days it took roughly 300lbs of manpower to seat the heatsink, usually this required using a flat screwdriver to push the clip down, one slip would send the screwdriver through the motherboard and into whatever working surface you had the thing on. I should note that I place the motherboard on the foam pad it came packed in to do this. Also, plug the fan in, seriously, it’s really important.
Step 4: Find a workspace
Find the manliest cover you can and set your stuff around it like an expensive mine field. If you’re looking for a challenge attempt this activity while inebriated. I only use the pink table cloth because: A, I hate it and B, I don’t want to scratch the coffee table.
Step 5: Tear everything out
Everything must go, well, not all in my case, just the motherboard and all the pci cards attached to it. What should you do with all those old components? Is the hobo still cold?
Step 6: Put the board back in
Reset the studs in your case with a pair of pliers to match the holes on your motherboard. In my case the new board is a cheap replacement so it’s a micro-ATX style board. I think this shrinks my e-peen size, but I don’t care. Now all you have to do is plug everything back in. This is the reason I attach the heatsink and ram before I put it in, I’d hate to have to squeeze my meathooks in that case and do delicate things.
Turn on your computer, if all is well skip to step 9. but something probably won’t work. This is normal, proceed to Step 7.
Step 7: Flip your computer the bird
You built it, you shouldn’t have to take this shit. Let out some aggression. There’s a slight chance the sound waves will correct whatever is at fault. Turn the thing on again, it still won’t work. Go to next step.
Step 8: Buy shit until it works
Systematically replace everything in your computer until it works again. In my case this meant I had to upgrade from IDE to SATA. Luckily my father keeps a stockpile on new hard drives around for no reason. Step 8 is a great way to rationalize a new computer purchase. For example, purchase a new mother board that has a PCI-e graphics slot and “realize” your AGP card won’t fit. Then exclaim: “I wish I new it wouldn’t work” out as you purchase new PCI-e card for $500. This also works with all other electronics.
Step 9: Success!
Roughly 10 to 20 hours since you began you finally have a working computer, in my case I had to reinstall Vista, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made. Take time to go pee, if you’re like me you may have consumed 4 or 5 bottles of seltzer water without realizing. Ahhh, how’s that for relief…
Step 10: Test your new computer
Does it really work? Good, close up your case and thank the Lord. You’re the proud new owner of a working computer. in my case it’s practically a brand new computer. I only built this a replacement, it will eventually become a media server when I buy a new rig for Crysis this winter. But it works for now (and it plays CounterStrike).
